Don’t disturb me!
When we tell a child “don’t disturb me”, “get off” or “I have no time for you”, it perceives it as “you are not important to me”.
Such phrases greatly distance the child from the parents and weaken the emotional connection between them.
What to do? Explain the situation, suggest an alternative, and make sure you keep your promise: “I’m sorry, I have to finish my work right now. Please play Lego, and I’ll join you in 30 minutes”.
If you will behave badly – you will be taken away by the police!
Intimidation is a very dangerous method. It allows you to quickly and effectively achieve a short-term effect. But constant intimidation can lead to phobias and anxiety.
What to do? Explain why your child’s behavior upsets you. Voice the consequences of this behavior child’s: “You don’t want to go to bed, but instead play. We don’t have enough time to read a book before going to bed”.
Don’t cry, you are already an adult!
This phrase seems to forbid the child to express their feelings. If parents ignore their children’s emotions, they shut down and begin to believe that expressing their feelings is bad and dangerous.
What to do instead? Accept the child’s tears and show compassion. Ask what happened and why the child feels that way. Do not belittle her feelings.
Why you aren’t as good as someone?
Comparisons demotivate children to become better. The child is hurt that she is not perceived as it is, and it can interpret these words as follows: “I am not loved. Nobody needs me, because I am not accepted as I am”.
Instead, compare the child only with her in the past – with her successes and achievements.
We do everything for you, and you are ungrateful!
This phrase makes the child feel the burden of being born at all.
What instead? In part, you need to be taught the child to be grateful. But this can only be done by example – parents should thank and respect each other. The child sees how to do it and will repeat it.
I don’t care what you want. Do what I say!
Such words teach a child NOT to have the right to feel what he feels. They teach to be silent when it is in pain or when it feels discomfort.
What instead? The child has the right to vote, the right to express itself, and to express desires because it is a person. It all depends on the established limits. That is, sometimes a child does NOT need to be given a choice, for example, in the question of whether or not to go to school, take medication or not. It just needs to be formulated correctly, without aggression and accusations.
Don’t touch it – you’ll break!
If parents repeat this too often, children become very insecure and awkward, afraid to say anything or move anything.
What instead? Talk about the possibility implication: “Don’t touch it, because you could break it”. That is, explain to the child that the problem is not in your child, but in the object itself – it can easily break.
I’ll hit you now!
This particular phrase means emotional abuse of a child with a hint of physical violence. The child loses a sense of security – the basic condition for its development. This is very difficult for the child because the parents move from the position of a defender to the position of the aggressor.
What instead? Name your own emotion “I’m so evil!”. And it is even better to add that you feel anger, because of the event or the action of the child.
Shame on you!
Shame is a destructive, toxic feeling that can destroy a child’s psyche. It is important to understand that when a child does something wrong, it is not because it wants to make it unpleasant for the parents. And because it can’t cope with his desires and emotions – and his parents have to help him cope with it.
Instead, the phrase “I’m ashamed of you” actually reflects parents’ shame for themselves because they haven’t done their job. This phrase should be said to yourself, not shamed of the child.
You will not succeed!
A child can understand these words as follows: “My parents don’t accept me for who I am. They do not believe in me”.
What instead? Encourage: “You will definitely understand how to deal with it!” Encouragement to try again and again.
Picture Credit: Unsplash